With the “June Theory,” a social media trend that suggests romantic developments are more likely to happen in June, blowing up on social media like TikTok, it is no surprise that many people are more inclined to push aside their attachment styles and start new romantic relationships over the summer months.
While there is no scientific evidence that the “June Theory” is real, there is evidence to suggest that greater exposure to outdoor natural bright light, which is substantially higher during summer, is associated with more positive social interactions and improved mood.
But even during the summer months, I often hear the same question in my work as a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Vancouver:
“Why do I push people away when they get close?”
While this experience of emotionally “pushing” someone away when a connection starts to form may seem counterintuitive, it’s a common experience for many and often reflects a protective response or defense mechanism from past experiences, as we will discuss below.
Signs You May Be Pushing People Away in Relationships
You suddenly lose interest as commitment grows stronger
At the start of a relationship, connection can feel exciting, effortless, and casual. As the relationship continues, emotional intimacy may deepen, bringing greater vulnerability. For some, the possibility of long-term commitment can lead to a shift within themselves.
Questions and doubts about the relationship may start to overwhelm your thinking. You may become uncertain about the relationship, feel less excited, or wonder if your feelings have changed.
Questions may arise such as:
“What if they leave me eventually?”
“What if they’re not the right person?”
“What if I’m making a mistake?”
“What if I lose my independence?”
You focus on your partner’s flaws
The closer someone gets, the more vulnerability you may begin to feel. For some, past experiences of vulnerability may have led to pain or rejection and thus, to protect ourselves from potential pain, we may start searching for reasons to keep one foot out the door, even if we genuinely care about the person.
You might begin noticing things that previously didn’t bother you:
- Their texting habits
- Their sense of humour
- Small personality differences
- Minor incompatibilities
Instead of seeing your partner as a whole person with strengths and imperfections, your attention becomes drawn toward evidence that something is wrong. Hyper-focusing on flaws can sometimes function to create emotional distance and reduce the discomfort of becoming attached to someone.
You withdraw emotionally
One of the most common ways people push others away is through emotional withdrawal.
- You may notice yourself:
- Taking longer to respond to messages
- Sharing less about your thoughts and feelings
- Avoiding conversations about the future
- Spending more time alone
Often, this withdrawal is a way of managing feelings of anxiety, loneliness, or vulnerability that come up when commitment starts to feel more real, because closeness can unconsciously activate the nervous system, triggering fears of rejection, loss of independence, or emotional hurt.
You pick fights or create conflict
For some people, conflict becomes a strategy for creating emotional space.
When closeness in a relationship begins to feel uncomfortable, small frustrations may suddenly feel much bigger. You may find yourself:
- Starting arguments over minor issues
- Looking for proof that you’re incompatible
- Becoming irritated more easily
- Criticizing your partner
From an emotional perspective, conflict can create a sense of distance that, for some, feels safer than vulnerability.
While arguments may appear to be about dishes, texting, or plans for the weekend, the deeper struggle is often about a fear of intimacy and emotional closeness itself.
Why Do People Push Others Away? Common Causes
Lymphatic drainage massage reminds us that healing doesn’t always have to be forceful to be effective. Sometimes, the most profound shifts happen through subtle, intentional support.In counselling I often hear my clients confused and discouraged as to why they tend to “push” romantic partners away as the relationship continues. On the one hand, there is a desire to start a secure and meaningful relationship, but on the other hand, as this relationship proceeds into a deeper connection, there is a fear of continuing.
I often hear things like, “When things start to feel close, I distance myself, doubt the relationship, focus on flaws, or start a fight. But it’s not until after that I realize what has happened.”
Pushing people away is not a flaw in yourself or an inability to be in a relationship; rather, it tends to be a protective strategy developed from past painful experiences.
Past Relationship Hurt and Childhood Experiences
Past experiences shape our expectations of current relationships.
When someone experiences betrayal through neglect, abuse, manipulation, infidelity, or dishonesty with someone they relied on for love and support, whether a parent or romantic partner this may impact one’s attachment style and ability to form future intimate relationships.
Attachment Styles and Fear of Intimacy
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviours in future relationships. Responsive, supportive caregiving tends to foster secure attachment and a sense of trust in others, while betrayal, inconsistency, or fear can lead to insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment patterns that influence how we seek closeness, respond to vulnerability, and navigate intimacy in adulthood.
Betrayal in adult romantic relationships or unresolved childhood trauma can also shift attachment patterns toward an avoidant attachment style, reinforcing beliefs that others cannot be relied on and an over-emphasis on self-reliance.
Across both early and later relationships, experiences of betrayal, disappointment, and rejection can teach us that closeness carries risk. As a result, people may develop protective strategies such as creating distance, doubting the relationship, focusing on flaws, or starting a fight, even when these strategies interfere with the connection they long for.
Fear of Rejection
If you’ve experienced rejection or abandonment in the past, you may have become highly attuned to signs that it could happen again.
As emotional intimacy grows in relationships, the possibility of losing someone important can begin to feel increasingly threatening. Rather than risk the pain of being left behind, some people unconsciously create distance first.
This protective strategy often follows the belief, “If I leave first, I can’t be abandoned,” which is a hallmark of the fear of abandonment.
Although ending the relationship or pulling away may provide temporary relief from anxiety, it also prevents the opportunity to experience a safe, secure connection that challenges these old expectations.
Fear of Vulnerability
Brené Brown states that vulnerability involves “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Healthy relationships require emotional openness, but if vulnerability has previously been met with criticism, rejection, betrayal, or emotional neglect, opening up can feel unsafe.
For example, growing up or in past relationships, you may have heard messages like “Boys don’t cry,” “Don’t be so emotional,” “You’re overreacting,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Big girls don’t cry,” or “You need to toughen up.”
Or when you expressed your feelings, you may have been ignored, criticized, laughed at, punished, or told to “get over it.” Caregivers may have also been emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or dismissive, leaving you feeling that your emotional needs were too much or wouldn’t be met. Over time, these experiences can teach us that expressing emotions is unsafe or unacceptable.
Thus, some people unconsciously protect themselves by becoming emotionally distant, avoiding difficult conversations, focusing on their partner’s flaws, or convincing themselves the relationship isn’t right. These behaviours aren’t necessarily a sign that the relationship is wrong they may be attempts to reduce the discomfort that comes with emotional closeness.
How Counselling in Vancouver Can Help You Stop Pushing People Away
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that you’re not “broken” or “unlovable,” even if you are struggling with low self-esteem.
Pushing people away is often a protective strategy that may have developed to help you cope with emotional pain, rejection, or uncertainty in the past. The good news is that these protective strategies can change.
Building Awareness of Relationship Patterns
One of the first steps in counselling with a mental health professional is building self-awareness by slowing down enough to notice the pattern as it unfolds.
Relationship sabotage often happens automatically, making it difficult to recognize in the moment.
Together, we’ll explore what happens before you begin to withdraw, become critical, lose interest, or feel the urge to end a relationship. Rather than judging these responses, we’ll become curious about what they’re trying to protect.
In our work together, we may explore questions such as:
- What happened just before you felt the urge to distance yourself or end the relationship?
- When do you usually start pulling away?
- What emotions are you experiencing in those moments?
- What are you afraid might happen if you stay in the relationship?
- What are you trying to protect myself from?
By beginning to understand the emotions and attachment patterns beneath these protective strategies, you can begin responding differently.
Learning to Feel Safe with Vulnerability
Healing involves gradually rebuilding your relationship with vulnerability.
Vulnerability often begins with small moments of emotional openness, such as sharing a fear, expressing a need, or letting someone know you are feeling anxious instead of withdrawing.
Within safe relationships, such as counselling, these experiences can help you re-learn that closeness does not always lead to rejection or emotional pain. As trust builds, vulnerability becomes less threatening and intimacy easier to sustain.
As Brené Brown suggests, we can begin to “lean into the discomfort” of vulnerability rather than move away from it.
Individual Relationship Counselling in Vancouver, BC
I offer individual relationship counselling for adults who feel anxious in relationships, struggle with vulnerability, worry about getting too close, or notice patterns of pulling away or self-sabotaging when relationships become more intimate. Many people feel caught between wanting closeness and pulling away when relationships become more emotionally intimate.
If you’re curious about whether counselling might be a supportive fit for you, you’re welcome to book a free consultation to explore what’s happening in your relationships and the emotions and attachment patterns beneath them. Sessions are available in-person in Vancouver.
