Relationship Communication Problems? How Counselling Can Help You Feel Heard and Understood
Communication difficulties are common in many relationships; a study found that 53.8% of couples agreed that too much conflict and arguing contributed to the end of their relationship.
So, how can you tell if communication struggles are affecting your relationship? Let’s discuss some common signs that may indicate deeper patterns of miscommunication and disconnection.
5 Signs You’re Struggling with Communication in Your Relationship
You feel unheard or misunderstood despite clear efforts to communicate.
Conversations often escalate into arguments.
Defensiveness arises easily, especially around sensitive issues.
Fear of being honest or vulnerable blocks deeper sharing.
You feel emotionally distant, like talking without truly connecting.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone—many couples face the same challenges. But if communication is so essential, why is it still so difficult?
Common Reasons for Communication Breakdown in Relationships
Mind-Reading Assumption
I often hear people say, “My partner should just know how I feel or what I need without me having to say it.” While it would be an incredible superpower to read one’s partner’s mind and understand their emotions and needs, I have yet to meet anyone who can actually do it. No matter how obvious you think your feelings are, your partner can’t truly know them unless you communicate directly.
Frequent Defensiveness
Feeling unheard or misunderstood often happens when one or both partners enter conversations ready to “defend” rather than “understand.” Defensiveness often stems from early experiences of judgment and prevents connection." It’s a self-protective reaction when criticism feels like a threat, triggering an urge to defend ourselves.
Defensive partners tend to tune out, interrupt, or focus on preparing their own responses rather than truly listening. Habitual defensiveness blocks emotional connection, as neither partner feels safe to be open or vulnerable.
Fear of Communication
When communication repeatedly turns into conflict or dismissal, couples can develop a fear of communicating. This fear of communicating often leads to avoiding conversations and emotions bottling up. Unfortunately, suppressing feelings doesn’t make them disappear; they build up over time and can lead to emotional outbursts. For example, a partner may stay silent about feeling unsupported for weeks, only to erupt over something small like a sink full of dishes, as all the built-up feelings finally surface.
Impact of Past Relationships and Communication Styles
Our family dynamics and past relationships shape how we communicate. Someone who grew up where conflict caused emotional harm might have learned to avoid confrontation to stay safe. This avoidance often comes with fear of vulnerability, especially around sharing emotions like sadness or shame.
In contrast, a partner who values open communication for intimacy might feel confused or shut out by avoidant behaviors, increasing disconnection. Without understanding each other’s histories and fears, these differences can cause further misunderstandings rather than resolution.
How Poor Communication Affects Emotional Connection
Communication is the foundation of emotional understanding in relationships. When it falters because of misunderstandings, avoidance, or ongoing conflict, it creates tension and gradually weakens the emotional bond at the heart of the relationship. Without open and compassionate dialogue, the safety for connection fades, leaving partners feeling distant.
When you struggle to express yourself or feel heard, emotional distance grows and closeness fades. These communication gaps weaken the relationship’s foundation and often contribute to increased defensiveness, loneliness, and withdrawal.
Communication is the bedrock of a strong relationship, helping partners feel understood, connected, and supported. Fortunately, recognizing how vital communication is represents the first step toward protecting and strengthening your relationship. So, how can partners improve communication?
Practical Tips to Improve Communication
1. Reflect on Your Emotions and Needs First
Healthy communication starts with pausing to check in with yourself by asking:
What am I feeling?
What do I need?
Many couples show secondary emotions like anger or frustration that protect deeper feelings such as sadness, shame, or rejection. For example, someone might snap in anger but feel rejected underneath. Anger feels safer and keeps others at a distance. Recognizing the vulnerable emotions beneath anger is key, and sharing them with “I” statements helps improve communication.
2. Use “I” Statements to Reduce Defensiveness
How we phrase things impacts communication. Starting with “you” can sound like blame and trigger defensiveness; for example, “You never listen” may cause your partner to shut down. Using “I” statements like “I feel” or “I need” focuses on your feelings without blaming, promoting connection and dialogue.
Here are examples of how to reframe “you” statements with “I” statements to reduce defensiveness.
“You” VS “I” Statements
“You never listen to me.” VS “I feel unheard when we talk.”
“You’re always on your phone.” VS “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together without screens.”
“You never help around the house.” VS “I feel overwhelmed when I’m doing all the chores on my own.”
3. Share Your Thoughts and Feelings Openly
As wisely said in the movie Shrek, “It’s better out than in.” Holding in feelings often causes frustration and emotional distance. It’s common to think, “They should know how I feel,” but no partner can read minds. It is crucial to share your emotions and needs to avoid guessing, missing, or incorrectly assuming what your partner feels and needs. When you choose to share honestly, you not only express your own needs more clearly but also create a safe space for your partner to do the same.
4. Active Listening with Curiosity, Not Criticism
In healthy communication, listening is just as important as speaking. It’s common to slip into habits like preparing your response while they are still talking or interrupting, but this is not active listening.
Active listening means fully focusing on your partner’s words, tone, body language, and emotions without interrupting, judging, or advising. Showing engagement through nodding, eye contact, and summarizing their message helps your partner feel heard and encourages them to listen to you more attentively.
How Counselling Can Help You Rebuild Communication
Counselling can help identify patterns like shutting down, defensiveness, or people-pleasing that come from earlier experiences and past relationships. Therapy offers space to explore and understand these habits and explore the primary emotions beneath them, such as sadness or heartbreak, that may be hidden by anger or defensiveness.
Therapy also provides a chance to practice new ways of expressing yourself, like using “I” statements to share your experience without blame, and to improve listening with openness instead of reactivity. Over time, these changes can deepen emotional connection and improve how you relate to others
If you are feeling unheard, stuck in conflict, or unsure how to reconnect, you are not alone. I offer a warm, collaborative space to help you communicate more openly and compassionately.
Meet Cheyenne Ling
Cheyenne Ling, RCC, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with a Master’s in Counselling Psychology who specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate challenges related to trauma, anxiety, self-esteem, and communication breakdowns. With a warm, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive approach, Cheyenne draws from Emotion-Focused Therapy, CBT, and Internal Family Systems to help clients explore their emotions, uncover patterns, and build deeper connection with themselves and others. She offers a compassionate, judgment-free space where healing, clarity, and growth can begin.
