Navigating Holiday Family Stress and Supporting Your Well-Being
Holiday stress with family often comes from more than busy schedules or gift-giving. Old patterns, like conflict, people-pleasing, or emotional withdrawal, can resurface, triggering anxiety or tension. Understanding your triggers, setting boundaries and seeking therapy can help you navigate these challenges, build healthier relationships, and enjoy a calmer, more authentic holiday.
Why Do Holidays Feel Stressful with My Family?
According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 52% of Canadians report feelings of anxiety, depression, and isolation during the holiday season, and nearly 89% of Americans report that various holiday pressures, such as financial strain and family conflict, lead them to feel stressed during this time of year.
Thus, for many, the holiday season may be something other than the “most wonderful time of the year.”
Holiday stress can originate from many different places, including:
The pressure and expectations to create the “perfect” holiday, such as a beautifully decorated home with a perfectly cooked meal, harmonious family interactions, and perfectly selected gifts.
The financial demands of buying gifts, flights to return home, and attending parties.
The social obligations to attend every holiday party, dinner, and festival event.
Grief and loss; for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays can serve as a reminder of their loss.
Nonetheless, in conjunction with all these potential stressors, for many there may be even more going on beneath the surface or outside of conscious awareness as to why the holidays may feel so stressful with your family.
Why Going Home for the Holidays Can Trigger Old Emotions
According to a study, when you return to a place from your past, such as your childhood home, your brain can suddenly bring back clear memories that happened there. For some, returning to their childhood home for the holidays may bring back feelings of joy, happiness, and warm nostalgia, whereas for others, returning home may bring back more unpleasant memories, leading to potential feelings of uneasiness, tension, or anger.
Being in a familiar place can sometimes trigger the same emotions you felt back then, almost like stepping back in time.
Similarly, our brains use previous experiences to make guesses about what we will feel based on those past experiences. For example, if family holiday dinners were stressful in the past, your brain tends to automatically expect tension, conflict, and stress at the next dinner, even before anything happens.
In a sense, your brain is trying to anticipate or predict what you will feel as a way to prepare. Even if the current situation is safe and not actually threatening, your brain can react as if the past is happening now, automatically triggering emotional responses like anxiety, defensiveness, or withdrawal. This explains why someone might brace for criticism, conflict, or tension at a family dinner, even if it has happened in the past.
As a result, returning home for the holidays or attending a family dinner can act as a trigger, activating emotional responses such as stress or anxiety rooted in past experiences.
Why Is It Hard to Be Myself Around My Family?
As mentioned, returning home for the holidays or attending a family gathering can trigger uncomfortable or challenging memories and emotions. Your brain may react as if past conflicts or tensions are happening again, automatically activating emotional responses based on what has happened before.
To cope with these intense feelings, we may find ourselves falling back on old coping strategies that once helped us feel safe, such as:
People-pleasing: agreeing or accommodating to avoid conflict, even at the cost of your own comfort.
Shutting down: withdrawing emotionally or physically to avoid confrontation or emotional overwhelm.
Avoidance: steering clear of certain topics or conversations that might trigger stress.
This is why it can feel hard to be yourself around your family. Your nervous system and emotional memory may push you into protective modes, even if you’ve learned new ways of coping.
How to Protect Your Mental Health During Holiday Gatherings
So, with the holidays around the corner, what are some effective ways to support your mental well-being?
Setting Boundaries Over the Holidays
With all the chaos, socializing, events, and pressures of the holidays, setting boundaries and time aside for yourself can have a positive impact on your emotional well-being.
Unfortunately, for many, setting a boundary may seem like an elusive idea or may provoke feelings of guilt.
So, what is a boundary?
Personal boundaries are the limits we set around how we interact with others. They help us decide what behavior, communication, and emotional demands we are willing to accept, and what we are able to give. At their core, boundaries are about recognizing your needs and honoring them in relationships.
For many people, family history shapes how comfortable boundaries feel. If you grew up with guilt, criticism, or emotional pressure, setting boundaries can trigger fears of rejection or conflict. It may even feel “selfish,” despite being necessary for your well-being.
In reality, boundaries are acts of self-care and self-respect. When you honour your limits, you protect your emotional energy and create healthier, more sustainable relationships.
For example, saying yes to a family dinner when you’re already exhausted may lead to resentment or irritability. Setting a boundary, whether that means declining, arriving later, or leaving early gives you space to rest and recharge. As a result, you’re more likely to show up present, patient, and emotionally available.
Setting boundaries has a meaningful impact, helping you engage with others more genuinely instead of out of depletion or obligation.
Boundaries are not only for you, but they also benefit the people around you.
So How Do We Set Boundaries?
Identify your needs and limits:
The first step of boundary setting is to check in with yourself and ask:
What do I need right now?
What feels manageable for me, and what feels overwhelming?
What am I saying yes to out of guilt, obligation, or fear rather than genuine desire or capacity?
Becoming aware of your emotional, physical, and mental limits helps you recognize when a boundary is needed.
Communicate your needs and limits clearly:
Express your boundaries in a direct, calm, and respectful way. Use “I” statements to focus on your experience rather than blaming or explaining excessively. For example, “I won’t be able to attend this weekend because I need time to rest.” Clear communication helps reduce misunderstandings and sets realistic expectations for others.Expect reactions:
It’s normal to experience discomfort or resistance when you begin setting boundaries, especially if others are used to you always saying yes. Some people may feel disappointed, confused, or even upset but their reaction does not mean your boundary is wrong. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions, and it’s okay to repeat your boundary if needed.Practice self-compassion and self-respect:
Setting boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt or self-doubt. Be kind to yourself as you practice this skill. Acknowledge that honoring your needs is not selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being and for maintaining healthier relationships. The more you respect your own limits, the easier it becomes to trust yourself and show up as more present, patient, and authentic for others.
Tips to Handle Tense Holiday Dinners
Though boundaries (big and small) serve as the foundation for supporting our mental well-being over the holidays, what are some practical, “in-the-moment” tools one can use when attending tense holiday dinners and gatherings?
Practical Tools
Choose a “safe person”: Look at who will be at the holiday event and identify anyone who makes you feel calm, comfortable, and supported. If possible, plan to spend time with this person. If no one comes to mind, consider bringing a friend along for extra support.
Take breaks: Even brief pauses can make a difference in your mood and stress. Step outside for fresh air, take a quiet bathroom break, pet the dog, or refill your glass of water. Small moments of self-care can help you feel more grounded.
Try three “Physiological sighs”: Physiological sighs are a simple breathing technique that helps quickly calm your nervous system. Here’s how to do it:
Take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your lungs about halfway.
Immediately take a second, slightly deeper inhale to fully expand your lungs.
Slowly exhale through your mouth, prolonging the breath, and release all the air in your lungs.
Repeat this sequence two more times for a total of three physiological sighs.
How Counselling Can Help You Navigate Holiday Stress & Family Patterns
While setting boundaries, choosing a safe person, and taking breaks are effective strategies, sometimes the holiday stress we feel runs deeper than practical tips alone can address. Our reactions to family gatherings are often shaped by patterns learned early in life, patterns of conflict, people pleasing, or emotional withdrawal, which can resurface during the holidays. Therapy provides a supportive space to explore and process these patterns, understand their origins, and develop new ways of responding.
I work with adults in Kitsilano, Vancouver, to help them understand family patterns and build more secure, comfortable connections during the holidays. You’re warmly invited to book a free 20-minute consultation to explore how therapy may support you.
Meet Cheyenne
Cheyenne, RCC, creates a compassionate space where clients can explore stress, anxiety, trauma, and self-esteem challenges without judgment. Her trauma-informed, person-centred approach weaves together CBT, emotion-focused therapy, and Internal Family Systems to help clients understand the deeper messages behind their emotions and restore clarity.
