This Valentine’s Day, Invest in Your Relationship With Yourself
Within counselling, it is common to hear, “If I just had a partner, I’d be happy.”
Many of us look for love outside ourselves, hoping a partner will fill the empty space inside. But if we don’t first care for ourselves, it’s like trying to pour water into a cup with cracks. No matter how much love another person pours in, it won’t stay. Those cracks form from things like self-judgment, harsh self-talk, past relational wounds, and pushing away difficult emotions. When we learn to nurture ourselves first, relationships become a place of connection, not a rescue mission.
So, how do we repair the cracks in our cup?
Self-Love as the Foundation of Emotional Wellbeing
What is self-love?
Self-love contains three main components:
1.) Self-acceptance: Knowing your strengths and accepting your weak spots, allowing yourself to be imperfect and welcoming all your emotions, including sadness, anger, and fear, without suppressing or pushing them away. Self-acceptance includes being aware of your thoughts and reactions without beating yourself up for them.
Self-acceptance helps patch the cracks in your cup. When you stop judging yourself for being anxious or imperfect, less love and joy leak out.
Example: After making a mistake at work, you notice your frustration and say, “I’m human, it’s okay to mess up sometimes. I can learn from this without being hard on myself.”
2.) Self-contact: Paying attention to what’s going on inside you, including your thoughts and feelings. It includes knowing all sides of you and knowing what you’re capable of and where you might need support.
Self-contact helps you notice exactly where the cup is cracked or weak. By understanding which situations or relationships drain you, you can see where attention is needed.
Example: Before agreeing to a weekend plan, you pause and check in with yourself: “I’m feeling drained and overwhelmed right now. I need some quiet time to recharge before I commit.”
3.) Self-care: Treating yourself with kindness and respect. Self-care involves choosing to spend time with people who make you feel safe, seen, and valued, and setting boundaries with those who drain you. Self-care looks like engaging in activities that bring joy, energy, or calm, and looking after yourself when you’re hurting or struggling.
Self-care fills the repaired cup and keeps it topped up. Taking time for rest, hobbies, and nurturing activities replenishes your emotional resources so love and connection can stay inside.
Example: Deciding to go for a walk in nature after a stressful day instead of pushing through your chores, giving yourself a moment to recharge.
When you combine self-acceptance, self-contact, and self-care, your cup becomes strong, full, and ready to hold love.
Using Self-Compassion to Exercise Self-Love
Understanding the components of self-love, how do we begin to exercise it in daily life? One easy way for everyday life that can strengthen all three components of self-love is the self-compassion break:
Step 1: Mindful Awareness (Self-Contact)
Bring a situation to mind that is emotionally difficult or stressful or try this exercise in the moment the next time you find yourself struggling. Pause and notice what’s happening inside you as you think of this situation. Name your emotion:
“I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed right now.”
This is self-contact: paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.
Step 2: Self-Acceptance Statement
Acknowledge yourself with kindness:
“It’s okay to feel this way. Everyone struggles sometimes. I’m human, and these feelings are normal.”This is self-acceptance, allowing yourself to feel without judgment.
Step 3: Offer Yourself Care
Ask yourself what you need in this moment, or offer a comforting gesture:
“What can I do to support myself right now?” or “May I be kind to myself in this moment?”This is self-care: intentionally checking in with what you need and offering yourself support.
Love Starts Within, But It Doesn’t End There
Self-love does not mean you stop needing others or that you become completely independent. Humans are wired for connection. Self-love helps you enter relationships from a place of wholeness instead of emptiness.
Love in a romantic relationship is closely tied to self-love. When you treat yourself with care, you may find it easier to notice when others do not. When love starts within, relationships become less about filling a void and more about sharing connection, care, and mutual support.
If you notice your cup feels empty more often than full, you don’t have to figure it out alone. These patterns usually make sense in the context of your life experiences, and they can be gently explored and reshaped with support.
Turning Valentine’s Day Into a Check-In with Yourself
Questions to Ask Yourself This Valentine’s Day
When I’m struggling, how do I usually treat myself, like a critic or like a friend?
If I spoke to myself the way I speak to people I love, what would change?
How do I want to show up in my relationships?
Are there any patterns in my relationships I want to understand better?
Are there relationships in my life that feel draining or unsafe?
When do I tend to put other people’s needs ahead of my own, and how does that affect me?
When do I feel most like myself?
How can I celebrate myself today, even in a small way?
How Registered Clinical Counselling in Kitsilano Can Help
Sometimes, the cracks in our cup form because of difficult past experiences. These experiences can lead to patterns of harsh self-talk, self-criticism, and self-hatred, shaping how we see ourselves and how we expect others to treat us.
Counselling provides a safe space to explore, understand, and heal these old wounds, allowing new, kinder ways of relating to yourself to grow. In my practice, emotionally-focused individual therapy helps you slow down and gently explore the experiences that influence how you relate to yourself and others.
Together, we identify when past experiences may have caused “cracks in your cup,” moments where you felt hurt, alone, or unseen, and work to create new emotional experiences that foster self-love and inner security. As your relationship with yourself becomes safer and more nurturing, your relationships with others can become more secure, balanced, and fulfilling too.
Meet Cheyenne Ling
Cheyenne, RCC, creates a compassionate space where clients can explore stress, anxiety, trauma, and self-esteem challenges without judgment. Her trauma-informed, person-centred approach weaves together CBT, emotion-focused therapy, and Internal Family Systems to help clients understand the deeper messages behind their emotions and restore clarity.
